Introspection

I'm breaking my recent blog silence to muse on some thoughts that came to the surface when I read this post on asexuality and rape culture, and subsequent discussion with Renee.

Liz: There's bits of that I relate to, though I wouldn't say I'm asexual.
Renee: It's an interesting discussion. I saw another interesting discussion yesterday, at Savage's page ... a discussion about pedophiles who never act on their urges, and what life is like for such a person.
Liz: I do think I'm unattracted to a larger number of men and women that the "typical" heterosexual, or lesbian woman.
Renee: That may be true. You may have a more narrow set of "wants" or whatever.
Liz: I remember [a bisexual female friend] telling me about sitting in the park and discussing with [her gay male friend] whether passing men were hot or not. I can't imagine doing that, really.
Renee: Because physical appearance doesn't key in for you, or what?
Liz: Oh, physical appearance does key in for me. But I'm not sure if it's just some very rare physical feature I'm unaware of, or whether the physical attraction has to be overwhelming before any urge kicks in.
Renee: Hard to say I guess.
Liz: I'm not attracted to someone because they're a physically attractive man, or woman ... although I think I can judge attractiveness pretty well, both socially-defined and my own taste. But when I do feel that pull, physicality does enter into it.
Renee: So, you're like the inverse of most people. The physical attraction is normally the hook.

Even after this, I'm still not clear in my own mind. I know Renee felt she failed at understanding me, but the confusion was in my mind rather than hers. And it still is.

Sometimes, physical attraction is the hook. I can feel very strongly about someone from the first moment I see them, and when that happens it usually persists after I get to know them. That's rare - so rare that I can probably come up with the complete list of the people that has happened with in my lifetime.

At other times, the physical attraction comes after I've got to know someone for a while. That's even rarer and I can safely say that's happened less than five times in my entire life.

Outside of those "rare" and "rarer" cases, I really don't feel too much. If I'm with a friend who points someone out with a "He's hot!" or "I'd give anything to be with her!" I can look and agree (or disagree!) with their assessment, but usually I feel nothing but a mild distaste at the idea of intimacy with the object of discussion. Unlike many of my friends who view almost everyone they come across (who is of the gender they prefer) as a potential partner, I can't imagine going on dates with people who don't immediately appeal to me, in the hope that they might, at some point in the future. It's just so unlikely. In a lineup of a hundred people, I might be drawn to a couple whereas, as far as I can tell, most others could pick out anywhere from twenty to eighty that they could be interested in.

On re-reading my earlier statement to Renee, I'm not attracted to someone because they're a physically attractive man, or woman, I think I understand why I confused her, and it wasn't an accurate statement. What I really meant was that I can find many people physically attractive without wanting to be with them. For the very few times when I am drawn to someone in a romantic way, however, physical attraction can be the key.

What I related to in Gray Lady's post was Asexuals aren’t sexually attracted to men in the same way that straight men aren’t attracted to other men. And they also aren’t attracted to women in the same way that gay men aren’t attracted to women. By qualifying this "most" (as in "to most men" and "to most women"), that's pretty much where I am. However, on her About page she describes herself thus: my experiences of sexual attraction are so infrequent and low-intensity as to render them virtually insignificant. Mine are infrequent, but high-intensity. For this reason, I know that my experience is different from hers, and I wouldn't apply the same label(s) to myself. Once again, however, I am left feeling there is no label for me.

And to close this rambling, here's a bunch of celebrity pictures that covers the spectrum of who appealed to me in my teenage years. That period, probably due to puberty, was when my attraction percentage was the highest, and it has declined ever since. Not to zero, though!